Hi my name is Eva I'm going to tell you about one of the more scary incidence in my life. This is one of the stories you have to be there to believe it. This story will give you the thrill of a lifetime. Okay maybe I'm exaggerating a little but well you get my point.
It was an early morning during summer break and I was visiting some friends of my mother's, in Michigan there are two boys one my age named William, and the other a year younger named Andrew. It was a warm day,(I was still I little groggy because I had just woken up) I was sitting at there very polished walnut dining table getting ready to dig into some very nice smelling chocolate blueberry pancakes. suddenly my sister Mar
ina came clomping down the stairs just as Andrew and Williams mother, Amy was pushing the warm pancakes off the platter and on to my plate. As Marina ran down the stairs she yelled
"Hey wait for me!" nobody as usual did.
As we dug into are warm pancakes we didn't talk much because we were to busy eating the only thing we said was,
"what do you want to do today?"
Well actually nobody responded. We all knew what we wanted to do just as every day we knew that we wanted to go play in the ice cold waters of lake Michigan. When we finished eating we ran outside to play in the ice cold water.
I was playing on the knee board, but I had never been on a knee board so I didn't know that it wasn't a strange type of kick board so I straped myself in and promptly
flipped over it was a cold sensation and I don't remember much for I was only age seven at the time, I just remember what I felt after flipped over I remember a cold dark fear. Not a fear that you would get after you almost tripped ,this was a fear that you would get when you almost tripped off the empire state building. I tried to scream "SOS" but my mouth was shut close as a clam. Over and over I tried to yell those three words but it was no use. I moved to another tactics I grouped for the surface but the surface was not to be found my lungs began to burn crazy thoughts raced through my head "I'm I going to die" finely my head popped above the surface just as I thought my last memory would be of the cold turning water, but then it was pulled back under no this couldn't be happening my hand graded something the buckle yes I thought I yanked as hard as I could and pop I was free I had drifted a lot farther than I would have exspeckted in that amount of time I swam back to the others cold and scared.
ina came clomping down the stairs just as Andrew and Williams mother, Amy was pushing the warm pancakes off the platter and on to my plate. As Marina ran down the stairs she yelled"Hey wait for me!" nobody as usual did.
As we dug into are warm pancakes we didn't talk much because we were to busy eating the only thing we said was,
"what do you want to do today?"Well actually nobody responded. We all knew what we wanted to do just as every day we knew that we wanted to go play in the ice cold waters of lake Michigan. When we finished eating we ran outside to play in the ice cold water.
I was playing on the knee board, but I had never been on a knee board so I didn't know that it wasn't a strange type of kick board so I straped myself in and promptly
flipped over it was a cold sensation and I don't remember much for I was only age seven at the time, I just remember what I felt after flipped over I remember a cold dark fear. Not a fear that you would get after you almost tripped ,this was a fear that you would get when you almost tripped off the empire state building. I tried to scream "SOS" but my mouth was shut close as a clam. Over and over I tried to yell those three words but it was no use. I moved to another tactics I grouped for the surface but the surface was not to be found my lungs began to burn crazy thoughts raced through my head "I'm I going to die" finely my head popped above the surface just as I thought my last memory would be of the cold turning water, but then it was pulled back under no this couldn't be happening my hand graded something the buckle yes I thought I yanked as hard as I could and pop I was free I had drifted a lot farther than I would have exspeckted in that amount of time I swam back to the others cold and scared.
8 comments:
Eva,
I love your descriptive writing, and how you me feel right there. Really nice job.
Abby
I like your story also Eva! You used a lot of new words and that made your story, even better then I thought. I also love the way it seemed liked you were talking to me. You write with the same humor and enthusiasm that you speak with.I can see the expression that you'd be giving right now!
I agree with the others! Really good job! You have some run-on sentences but otherwise great job!
I agree with Riley, some flaws but otherwise I like the descriptive writing.
Great job.
Eva, I really liked how you described everything so well. I also liked how you wrote your story, I could really imagine what was happening. Nice job!
Eva, your story was great! You sure build up a lot to your SOS. That's good though because if you just start with it your reader may not enjoy it as much. How did it feel when you were going under? It felt like I was you. I also like how in the very beginning you showed a picture of pancakes. They look really tasty! Anyway, one suggestion would be maybe to use a little more decriptive writing. For example, in the beginning you could say "the warm softness of the pancakes with cold and perfect blueberries on top made my morning a dream." Or, you know, whatever you want. Also, you could describe the board thing you were on more. Like what color it is or something. But anyway I really enjoyed reading your story and as a reader it could be just as good as any other books I've read before in my life. You know, if it was a book. Keep writing!
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